as red as white...

dying,so softly

2007-02-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

sigh!!!

don't know where to start from!i'm putting an end to my posts and wouldn be writing ny longer.no more bloggin.however,lemonade ,om, maze n but ofcrse sharan n ankit.....thanks guys,you guys rock.

p.s. im not sad or depressed.its just that everythin eventually does cum to an end even if youre holding on to it in yer heart,reality screams"its al over"n i really want to let go...i have a lot in my life that's calling me n i need to set myself free..

this is who iam

2007-01-21T06:28:00.000-08:00

everyone in their lives at one point or the other comes across something or the other that they think was destined for them to reach in a certain way,as if a movie was made just because you had to watch it or a song was sung only because u were destined to relate to it or a book cover that reflected your drem....n it leaves behind this feeling of sumthin inexplicably sweet,almost like the flavour of sweet tamarind that lingers after u've tasted it.

so here's the prolouge to "me"

1.) Shall We Dance Soundtrack - Peter Gabriel - Book of Love--if you haven't heard this one,you ought to n if u're the sorts who have ever come close to finding a soulmate or well,incase you want to know what love is,this is a song everyone's got to hear or elseyoure missing out on somethin maganamously "larger than life" n the irony is its got the most simple lyrics that exhuberate beauty.

2.)Runaway bride--when i saw this movie for the first time,i was almost embarrassed watching a mock of my own life being impeccably potrayed with each detail being highlighted.When the man in the movie exclaims to the girl he's in love with saying that she herself didnt know who she was n wasn't even sure how she liked to have eggs because with every man that she dated ,she had a different life,a different role n to a certain extent a different character,that entire scene makes SO MUCH FREAKING SENSE.Its funny how when a relationship starts initially you always tend to think it'll last forever n its what you always wanted n that there would be no looking back,unfortunately you stand corrected each time untill you do find that perfect someone who doesn need a dancer or an intellectual or a shy suble girl next door or anything that "defines" you...all he wants is you...

3.)This a paticular dialogue in becker which was apparantly supposed to be a hilareous remark meant to make people laugh stirred up a food for thought in me...

"suddenly nowadays sex is more of an olympic sport or something where what counts is the performance n how good you are while doing it all.Aren't things like your feelings good enough?"

i'd been thinking about this for long before i heard this statement(cant remember it precisely ,but it was broadly on these lines)sadly,as i have now come to beleive the three letter word isn't anymore anything close to sacred.i always beleived that physical intimacy is an endorsement on how you feel for someone.however,for past few months i came across people who delireously get involved with just about anyone n things like emotions don't matter.there are married people,singles both men and women desperate to just get into each other's pants n what's even more sad is that its no more considered wrong,i don't say its unethical or morally incorrect.it's a personal prerogative but isn't it sad that women (most of em')prefer men ready to comply with "no strings attached"deal over men who'd want to marry them and settle down...isn't it sad when relationships don't start with emotional bonding but with pure lust and then if that turns out to be good there's scope for emotions to take over and suddenly oh the couple's in love!!
anyway,so witnessing al this,gettin perturbed to see that kids these days are no longer kids evey 15 yr old wants to flaunt his/her sex appeal propagating how they think long term relationships are uncool watching people say "we're going out and i really love her,but sheeesh! marriage with her!!kidding me??".i thought propbably i was just some orthodox sad loser female who was sticking to thing of the past clinging on to a hope that things like soulmates n perfect relationships exist and who was "uncool"and "narrow minded" beyond limits..however,after hearing becker i'm sure there's atleast someone who thinks like me.even if its just that script writer.m not stupid the present day scenario is rather sad.i don't need to grow up or broaden my mindset huh!!people need to wake up and stop playing around with their dignity,everyone's worth love,so rather than finding good meat wherever you can knowing its not what you will last with al your life,get your lazy ass up n about n find someone to love you..hehe now m happy....

4.)Elvis presley-You were always on my mind--this song makes me cry!literally.

5.)Ally mc beal--ok besides julia robert in runaway bride this is the character i relate to the most.i fumble,stumble,giggle,trip over and fall,sing in my mind,halucinate about choping my lecturar's head....damn!that's me...lost and clueless but i know where i come from.

list shall be contdd...a lil later!m exhausted

2007-01-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

i just figured that wearing bright colours in winters makes you feel less gloomy n tends to cheer you up ....seriously,i wore this brrrright orage pullover to college today n among al the blues n blacks n greys n browns i felt like such a dynamic bomb!!(no,alas!!not the sexy kinda bomb,but nevertheless...)i felt like an orange bar icecream but that too had its charm....colours reflect our moods ,personality n just abt everythin that we are.n i felt like a happy kid today venturing out in the park on my own.errrr doesn sound very gud while putting it up in the post but trust me it felt gud.

cheers to colours..

2007-01-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

This was frm a blak n white photogragh by subi i guess,it was supposed to be sushma reddy but i du think that the sketch cudn do justice to the photograph...

angels -december

2007-01-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

This is one of my fav.,made it long bak in dec 2006....just incase ure wonderin y the boy angel has no genitals ahen ahem!well initially i was generous ebuff to gift him his assets but then i just cudn get it right,so i very diplomatically like most of our indian artists placed a leaf over the joint between the two legs ,but t that just luked way too cliche' ...so i just stuck to "no genitals "at last atleastthis aint cliche'.....n becuz of the scannin problems the whle sketch wasn displayed(ugh!)

...

2006-12-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

i hate rains..at one point of time i used to relate rain to beauty,today i only think of it in terms of dirty roads,mosquitoes n well cold...yes,i still love winters and somehow i love feeling cold,its the only way to know I'm not immune to feeling..but now as i walk thru a shady horizon that while awaiting me long back looked sparkling even the cold has a tinge of bitterness,its not sweet much like how we relish beer rather than candies as we grow.I've learnt to savour the taste of this bitterness,im cozy but not sure if I'm happy...

am i mature?no longer a kid !! or have i simply become cynical n frustrated like one of those females i usually used to laugh at...or have i lost my soul sum where ,or maybe its just dormant,sleeping,hibernating for a while...

on a lighter note however,listening to "you were always on my mind" by Elvis Presley still does wriggle something inside me...watching my neighbours 3 yr ol daughter call me by my name does fill me with pride n love..(I'm one of the few didi's she's comfortable n familiar with,at least kids still love me n damn!i love al those brats!) n yeah hearing that deepti's making a cake just for me kinda makes me want to cry at times(which hasn happened fer long now,hope she gets the msg) n ofcrse seeing those 11 digits flash along with "calling" on my cell does make me smile...

so it aint al that bad...i do have that slight potential to breathe...

..

2006-11-29T05:54:00.000-08:00

Does it really matter..
I'm only older by another walk in the rain
kinds that we had when i understood you
All by myself,I tell myself I still love pink
When all I see is your footsteps being washed way
I hate rain now n yet I'm here walking bare feet on the wet grass
I hate to beg u for one look n yet I'm walking to your doorstep
I peep in n see u dancing to the untuned guitar
You're smiling with the wine glass in yer pretty hands
They're wearing diamonds n silk that shines
N all I bear on my skin are the scars
But I think they're prettier till
They 're the only memory I have of yours
I long to hate you ,hoping the ashes fly away
Of each burnt love song you wrote me
But just as they start to whisper I run..
I run frantically behind the ashes I see
You see me outside your mansion,
N u step towards the mess u see..
Why ?why do u tell me my lips are pink
Why?why do I believe you,knowing they never were
You hold my hand n dance with me in the rain
Hiding me from the rest of the world
You open your mouth to say something
N I smell the expensive wine realising my filth..
Just then,someone calls you from the cacophony u call music
You say I mean the world to you but still im left waiting outside
Until of course rain drowns me down
Cuz u never come out again you're just ashamed,aren't you?
Becuz u know u lied wen u talked abt the pink in my lips..
Becuz I was never pretty to you,because youre wat pretty is!
And as I drown I no long no more to hate you
..it really doesnt matter..

its not your fault

2006-11-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

sadi came across these disturbing statistics...

6 girls out of ever 10 in the wrld n 7 out of every 10 in india have been sexually abused atleast once in their life b4 they even turned 14.

SEVEN OUT OF EVERY TEN....makes me want to scream n i feel this sudden rage running thru my blood..i've been researching on this one since long...

SEVEN OUT OF EVERY TEN....if it hasn hit you allow me to elaborate..im not talkin abt slum dwellers n im not talking abt prostitutes...im talkin about the girl child in yer neighbourhood,yer maids daughter,your cousin sister or worse sumone in yer house...n beleive me its happening!it really is!

SEVEN OUT OF TEN...out of which only 1 in the best of the cases speaks up and claims that she has been victimised.

SEVEN OUT OF TEN...and 67% are incest.

SEVEN OUT OF TEN girls suffer from at least 1 of the following:inferiority complex,lack of self confidence,psychic disorders,unhealthy sexual practices,promiscuity,insecurity,hallucinations or even suicidal attitudes..

the problem is clearly stated,the solution is to get psychological help n build the victim's self esteem.However,it aint that simple because there lies a catch...

the victim in most of the cases does not confide in anyone and therefore the vicious circle of harassment and abuse goes on until the culprit faces a threat.

the assaults made by older men on these young girls are very well thought of.most of these criminals have very clear vision in their head and they know how to proceed n minimise their chances of getting caught..they work in these 3 steps:

a.)they win the child's confidence by being friendly,they try n make the child relate to them...one very common trick used is to make the child feel older in terms of making decisions ,discussing issues that parents may refer to as "not meant fer children"...giving the child the liberty to feel older than she is.this results in making the child more inquisitive and curious and also ends up building a bond between the culprit and the child..this is where the trouble starts.
b.)the next step is to invoke certain sexual behaviour...this starts with careless fondling,tickling,touching private parts of the body,kissing or even getting romantically inclined.the child would now react only in two possible ways both of which will have certain elements of discomfort,either she will resent it straight forward ,the chances of which is very bleak because these gestures are proceed very gradually noticing the victim's reaction each time,carefully studying it and also making attempts to make the child feel more wanted and cared for until she stops showing signs of malaise and embarrassment which is the second kind of reaction..
c.)now the trap is set and the criminal has already marked it victory...initially,the child doesn't do anything to stop the criminal,she may meekly object,show a little discomfort or worse seek comfort or enjoy the attention...the secret pleasure of feeling like a woman may also persist...in any of the cases there is a sense of guilt that builds up.the game has been played very cleverly because the child's confidence was won n proceedings were made gradually such that the child holds herself responsible too.

moment this sense of guilt creeps in the victim is an easy meat for the criminal because now she wouldn dare to confess since she realises with every assault that its wrong n her guilt grows stronger.what she doesn realise is that "its not her fault"and that"its even worse to keep quiet about it".

before writing this blog i had promised myself that i will not curse men or call them names....because this isnt about desperate ass holes who need to be castrated and publically hanged by their cock...its about girls whore victimised...its about them realising that they were only 9 or 8 or even 6...it was never their fault and even if ure 30 years old and married its important you speak to someone about it and confide in someone because its something you'll subconsciously always allow to effect you.its for those of you who do not realise that world is full of unreliable servants,horny relatives,disgusting neighbours and horrible family Friends...al these monsters are no one else but sumone you trust with your girl child,sister...the symptoms of sexual abuse being inflicted are very prominent and obvious.in case you have the slightest of the doubt talk to the child n its important that you convince her of the love you feel for her and the security she needs..

peace*

p.s.trust me if im made to be a powerful authority 70% of men would walk around without balls.

2006-11-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

jaipur-its amazing how every chaotic street leads to a silent artful journey in this city

jaipur-city fort...this is wat i found the most beautiful ,leaving apart gayatri devi ofcouse, who i did not get a glimpse of!

elephant.........which reminds me of sumthin i read a few days back...........behind every fat woman is a thin woman with lots chocolate and ice cream..

in search for a dream...

2006-11-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

my mom often while trying to sound humorous taunts me saying that the man i would get married to would be the most unlucky man on earth...
ouch!!*
but i smile back to her ,not a meek smile but in fact an ear to ear smile...sorts that make yer jaw hurt..

2 weeks back one of my friends said that my marriage would be a disaster!!he had for some reasons assumed that I'm not one of those who believe in the concept of getting married n giving it all you have...
my best friend however affirms that the man i marry would be the most lucky man on this planet....n when she said that it was more than a benediction fer me...

im often misunderstood for being the sort of girl who couldn care less about marriage as an institution....well,they stand corrected because they're terribly mistaken...those who know me well also know that there's always been a preety picture peu jagia carried wherever she went...

pretty picture

ever since i can recollect,even as a very young girl...I'd always get this twinkle in my eyes when anyone talked about me getting married...and till date sumhow it manages to wriggle something inside my stomach sometimes making me blush or just make me smile wen I'm trying hard to conceal my excitement n well...shyness both..(shy!!,yes!I'm the girl who curses all day long,but there are times i feel SHY!)

Ive always wanted a nice cozy small home,(definitely not a penthouse)with maroon walls defining d drawing room with white curtains n black objects n one shelf of sworoski crystal animals.Ive always pictured myself being a lecturer in a college who comes back home n only wen her mild perfume fills the air,her children and her husband know that's its a home not a house...i was very sure that I'd have two children with an age difference of not more than 3 yrs..i remember telling my ma quite vehemently that I'd make sure my kids grow up with dignity,self respect,all the values imbibed such that they're never outdated or orthodox but r deep rooted n know where they belong...i remember telling my best friend that I'd always maintain myself,wear sarees mostly n will never stop wearing a perfume or western clothes no matter how old i get.....I'd make my marriage the most beautiful n the utmost important aspect of my life....indeed my husband should be a loving one,smart one,the kind i can take to my mum n dad n take pride in my choice while telling them i want to marry him...i knew I'd be one of those who water plants,make sure the book rack is tidy,the dog(needn b a pedigree)is healthy n that my kids aren obese...oh n i had also planned that they'd have to discover a passion b4 they turn ,either music or sports,i'd had it AL figured that I'd notice their inclination towards anything other than academics n further help them nurture n cultivate their talent....ideally,i would want the boy to b a player,golf,polo,swimming,basketball...any sport n the girl to do bharatnatayam or odissi dance but I'm open to anything ranging from karate to violen to even graffiti...but a passion in life is must,esp while you're growing up...
aah!n wife!well I'd discuss work with him,food ,clothes ,politics.......everythin.,infact I'd give him liberty of having crushes,only i would have demanded to KNOW .honesty is extremely important to me...n i always pictured my husband to be overly protective of my daughter n extremely careless with my son...or well OUR DAUGHTER N OUR SON...

*********************************************************

i know that at just twenty years of age having such a strong preset isnt healthy n its something life has taught me...
i may now never get married or have kids or have that cozy little home n its so fucking ironic how life takes turns and al yer plans come crashing down on you,forcing u to let go of yer dreams....

however im not gonna let go so easily...neither will he..

IM ONLY HUMAN TO BE INSENSITIVE

2006-11-25T02:56:00.000-08:00

I'm revealing something that i shouldn't be talking about in my first post to my blog,i know for a fact that after reading this most of u Will carry a very unpleasant picture of me,however,I'm not going to justify(perhaps because i dun have a strong enough justification,but that's a different point altogether)...I'm going to confess.......

(sigh!)......the dog in the pic is mine,my poodu dooodu tuffy..the confession however is...

i hate stray dogs and yes,I'm biased to the more fortunate segment of the species ,ones who could find themselves a home n were lucky enough to be entitled as well..."pets",that either looked gud,cute ,needy or plainly found by sum one with a kind,generous n warm heart that transcends beyond my parochial mindset ..
please take note of the fact that i only hate stray dogs,not street dogs...n there's a clear demarcation.a thin line that differentiates between the one that stinks n digs into trash to find its meal n the one that has its ears carefully cleaned.....there is a difference
precarious as my views may seem,they're scary......they scare me!sometimes it makes me wonder about my degree of coldness that i hold within,or worse exhibit subconsciously..
i cant help but shiver silently,almost frozen when i stand motionless watching a stray dog sniff my feet with its wet nose telling myself, hoping n praying it wud end soon n the dog wud just run away....I've never been harsh to any of these dogs fer 2 reasons..firstly,its not "me"to be harsh wen i haven been given a reason to turn vindictive n secondly....m scared,even of those pups who dun yet have teeth...on the other hand,however i've had pet dogs myself...a pom,a lab n a partially street dog n I'm the best frien a dog can find if ive been assured that its vaccinated n does not bite whatsoever!
shallow....shallow...shallow...
it sounds sad,even disgusting ,i know ....but at least I'm not hypocritical abt it...that's how i console myself while admitting all this that by now may jus have started seeming slightly absurd to some of u.

any way the important point is that its not just indifference,coldness or prejudice..its also fear...

I'm not a racist and i do not uphold the caste system but well...its only fair that i accept that i can never be one of those larger than life people who have enough warmth in this freaking callous world to look beyond all the ugliness i see and who have made sure that this underprivileged category of dogs or lets just say animals may be unacceptable to some of us but will continue to find hope n love cuz there are people n like me n this post is a tribute to them...(wasn't really meant to be,but its realisation that struck me a few seconds back)

i cant be u but I'm glad to see you feed those little brats with eggs n milk every evening in park!makes me feel lesser human but its an assurance that humans still have "real hearts"..