in search for a dream...

my mom often while trying to sound humorous taunts me saying that the man i would get married to would be the most unlucky man on earth...
ouch!!*
but i smile back to her ,not a meek smile but in fact an ear to ear smile...sorts that make yer jaw hurt..

2 weeks back one of my friends said that my marriage would be a disaster!!he had for some reasons assumed that I'm not one of those who believe in the concept of getting married n giving it all you have...
my best friend however affirms that the man i marry would be the most lucky man on this planet....n when she said that it was more than a benediction fer me...


im often misunderstood for being the sort of girl who couldn care less about marriage as an institution....well,they stand corrected because they're terribly mistaken...those who know me well also know that there's always been a preety picture peu jagia carried wherever she went...


pretty picture


ever since i can recollect,even as a very young girl...I'd always get this twinkle in my eyes when anyone talked about me getting married...and till date sumhow it manages to wriggle something inside my stomach sometimes making me blush or just make me smile wen I'm trying hard to conceal my excitement n well...shyness both..(shy!!,yes!I'm the girl who curses all day long,but there are times i feel SHY!)

Ive always wanted a nice cozy small home,(definitely not a penthouse)with maroon walls defining d drawing room with white curtains n black objects n one shelf of sworoski crystal animals.Ive always pictured myself being a lecturer in a college who comes back home n only wen her mild perfume fills the air,her children and her husband know that's its a home not a house...i was very sure that I'd have two children with an age difference of not more than 3 yrs..i remember telling my ma quite vehemently that I'd make sure my kids grow up with dignity,self respect,all the values imbibed such that they're never outdated or orthodox but r deep rooted n know where they belong...i remember telling my best friend that I'd always maintain myself,wear sarees mostly n will never stop wearing a perfume or western clothes no matter how old i get.....I'd make my marriage the most beautiful n the utmost important aspect of my life....indeed my husband should be a loving one,smart one,the kind i can take to my mum n dad n take pride in my choice while telling them i want to marry him...i knew I'd be one of those who water plants,make sure the book rack is tidy,the dog(needn b a pedigree)is healthy n that my kids aren obese...oh n i had also planned that they'd have to discover a passion b4 they turn ,either music or sports,i'd had it AL figured that I'd notice their inclination towards anything other than academics n further help them nurture n cultivate their talent....ideally,i would want the boy to b a player,golf,polo,swimming,basketball...any sport n the girl to do bharatnatayam or odissi dance but I'm open to anything ranging from karate to violen to even graffiti...but a passion in life is must,esp while you're growing up...
aah!n wife!well I'd discuss work with him,food ,clothes ,politics.......everythin.,infact I'd give him liberty of having crushes,only i would have demanded to KNOW .honesty is extremely important to me...n i always pictured my husband to be overly protective of my daughter n extremely careless with my son...or well OUR DAUGHTER N OUR SON...

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i know that at just twenty years of age having such a strong preset isnt healthy n its something life has taught me...
i may now never get married or have kids or have that cozy little home n its so fucking ironic how life takes turns and al yer plans come crashing down on you,forcing u to let go of yer dreams....

however im not gonna let go so easily...neither will he..

IM ONLY HUMAN TO BE INSENSITIVE

I'm revealing something that i shouldn't be talking about in my first post to my blog,i know for a fact that after reading this most of u Will carry a very unpleasant picture of me,however,I'm not going to justify(perhaps because i dun have a strong enough justification,but that's a different point altogether)...I'm going to confess.......

(sigh!)......the dog in the pic is mine,my poodu dooodu tuffy..the confession however is...

i hate stray dogs and yes,I'm biased to the more fortunate segment of the species ,ones who could find themselves a home n were lucky enough to be entitled as well..."pets",that either looked gud,cute ,needy or plainly found by sum one with a kind,generous n warm heart that transcends beyond my parochial mindset ..
please take note of the fact that i only hate stray dogs,not street dogs...n there's a clear demarcation.a thin line that differentiates between the one that stinks n digs into trash to find its meal n the one that has its ears carefully cleaned.....there is a difference
precarious as my views may seem,they're scary......they scare me!sometimes it makes me wonder about my degree of coldness that i hold within,or worse exhibit subconsciously..
i cant help but shiver silently,almost frozen when i stand motionless watching a stray dog sniff my feet with its wet nose telling myself, hoping n praying it wud end soon n the dog wud just run away....I've never been harsh to any of these dogs fer 2 reasons..firstly,its not "me"to be harsh wen i haven been given a reason to turn vindictive n secondly....m scared,even of those pups who dun yet have teeth...on the other hand,however i've had pet dogs myself...a pom,a lab n a partially street dog n I'm the best frien a dog can find if ive been assured that its vaccinated n does not bite whatsoever!
shallow....shallow...shallow...
it sounds sad,even disgusting ,i know ....but at least I'm not hypocritical abt it...that's how i console myself while admitting all this that by now may jus have started seeming slightly absurd to some of u.

any way the important point is that its not just indifference,coldness or prejudice..its also fear...

I'm not a racist and i do not uphold the caste system but well...its only fair that i accept that i can never be one of those larger than life people who have enough warmth in this freaking callous world to look beyond all the ugliness i see and who have made sure that this underprivileged category of dogs or lets just say animals may be unacceptable to some of us but will continue to find hope n love cuz there are people n like me n this post is a tribute to them...(wasn't really meant to be,but its realisation that struck me a few seconds back)

i cant be u but I'm glad to see you feed those little brats with eggs n milk every evening in park!makes me feel lesser human but its an assurance that humans still have "real hearts"..